When a parent moves in with you

Increasingly, adult children are welcoming their aging parents into their homes, especially in cultures not used to this practice.  

Parents may be downsizing to get more value out of their retirement savings. A widowed parent might be lonely, want to become more involved with their kids’ lives, or even choose to become a primary caregiver for a young child. Often, older parents simply can't live independently any longer, but the family isn't ready to move them into an assisted living facility, even if that is available where they live. 

Bringing a parent into your home can seem like the ultimate act of compassion but caring for an aging parent can also be a substantial sacrifice for everyone involved. Before getting a room ready for a parent, it’s important to make sure everyone understands the situation, and weigh the advantages and disadvantages. It's also critical to have a realistic plan for the future, since the situation will almost certainly change—often in ways that make decisions more difficult to make. 

Find common ground. Despite your best intentions, your parents may not be as happy about being in your home as you are about having them there. Or the opposite may be true and you may be one who is hesitant. Either way, it's important that you and your parents are clear about your goals as well as your concerns. Start by having a clear conversation about why the parent is moving in, and what you each hope to gain—and potentially stand to lose—from this arrangement. 

Involve the whole family. Make sure your partner and your children are on board with the idea of an older relative moving in with you. If they aren’t, listen to their concerns and work to address them. Also bring other adult siblings into the decision-making process, even if they don't live with you. They may have strong feelings about the right course of action for your parent, and it’s better to include them early than experience tension down the road. 

Figure out what your parent needs. If your parent is moving in with you because of a health issue you must consider how much care they need now and in the future. Is it more care than you and other family members can provide? If so, what level of care will be needed? A specialist on aging in place or an occupational therapist can give you an unbiased view of your parent’s condition and what you can expect in the months and years to come. 

Make a plan together. If your parent will need extra care, talk about what that will look like. Some of this discussion may be financial: If specialised care is required, who will pay for it? The conversation also may look further into the future. For instance, you may want to agree to consider assisted-living situations should their health or mental abilities decline. Make sure you look at these decisions from both your parents’ point of view and yours. Even if you’re determined to care for them until the end of their days no matter how difficult it is, they may not feel comfortable with you taking on that responsibility. 

Have the money talk. Talk with your parent about their financial situation. Do they have money (including receipts from government programs) that they can contribute to the household? If their finances are limited, find other ways they can help — say, cooking a few dinners during the week or helping watch your children after school. Also discuss who will pay for their medical care today and in the years to come. If you have siblings, talk with them about how best to split these costs. Work together to alter the family budget so it reflects this new financial reality and find ways for your siblings to do their part in caring for your parent. 

Make space in your home that is beneficial for your parent and for yourself. Adding an extra flat or reconfiguring a first-floor office into a bedroom, while pricey, could deliver much-needed privacy, convenience, and comfort for the whole household—and parents might be able to use some of their retirement savings help finance the major renovation. Also consider “aging in place” renovations that might involve making single floor living arrangements to avoid stairs, making bathrooms more accessible, installing adequate lighting throughout the home and widening doorways to accommodate wheelchairs or waking frame. 

Also, consider that your new living situation may yield some benefits at tax time.  

Family and parental support requirements can be complicated and will differ by country, so be sure to consult your tax advisor regarding your situation. 

Finally, offer help and ask for it. Even though you are family, having a parent move into your home can be a big change. Help them get comfortable by finding ways to get them active in the community. Consult community groups (including religious), or local libraries for information on programs or classes in which they might be interested. Don't forget to take care of yourself too. If your parent requires more care than you can provide, look into options such as full-time assistant caregivers or part-time respite/companion services.